I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i wish my penis had a tongue
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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