We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i think i just lost a toe
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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