Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
