It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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