Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I did not marry a roomba.
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