i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
