Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
