I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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