My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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