If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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