watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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