Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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