youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize