The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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