The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
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The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I believe in your delicious
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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