Swine flu. Run for my life!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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