seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
