There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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