did you get engaged???
i think i have two assholes
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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