im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
