I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
