I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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