Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
