Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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