so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
