meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
