Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
