I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
