I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
