Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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