I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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