I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
