im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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