you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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