This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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