Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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