I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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