It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
