meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
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THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
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Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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