i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
