I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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