We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
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you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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