She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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