Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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