i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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