1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
