Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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