I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
