when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
