i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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