I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
