Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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