Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
