Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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