I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The Olympian is in my bed
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
