It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
