Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you told grandpa to call you daddy
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Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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