my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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