My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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